"You know you are in Chennai when" - Volume Two

Why let people (SRK, I am not talking about you or your stupid "Chennai Express" here) from other regions bash our city? Why not try to laugh at our own city ? Madras/Chennai, no offenses - I love you. So, Let's continue laughing along with Chennai/Madras,

You know you are in Chennai when..

11. "Idli-vadai-poori-pongal" - When you randomly check on for hotels and each one out of the two hotels, that you had noticed, are named as some "Bhavan". You find people at the "Bhavans" eating Idlis which have been generously bathed in sambar . You notice that you are charged extra for the gun powder at a typical Bhavan. You go to have buffet at a Five Star hotel and you find Curd rice listed prominently, in the menu. You observe that you get North Indian food at the Bhavans too; you also get Chinese, but all the dishes are cooked strictly in South Indian Style.

12. You hear people conversing in three main languages - Tamil, Madras Bashai and Tanglish (English in Tamil, or Tamil in English, God knows what) . All these are entirely different languages according to the locals, but only Tamil has a script. All the English words are suffixed with an "aa", namely "Straight-a", "Ticket-a" "Bat-a" etc. You notice that the locals love their "Kiri-ket" (Cricket)

13. You try to play a game of Cricket with the kids on the streets and you hear some unique cricketing slang/lingo that you can't make head or tail of, you are mostly referred to as "Osi gaji" and you also get to hear unique words like "Bongu", "Dooku", "Suthurathu" and "Waitees" to name a few.

14. You walk behind the "Central" part of the city and you are pleasantly surprised at the sight that greets you, and you begin thinking that you had magically travelled to the north of our country, to the narrow lanes of Delhi or Jaipur - you are wrong. You are at 'Sowcarpet' ! The Locals recommend you to go to "Marina" with your family, and to "Bessie" with your friends. They recommend you to take your "special" friend on a drive on the ECR. They also recommend you to travel to the Oasis next door, also known as Pondy.

15. When the Monsoon season for the rest of the country is from June to September, but the monsoon season for your city is from October to December. You are definitely at Chennai ! And when it rains, it pours, and you see that all the roads have automatically transformed, they have become like the beautiful canals at Venice.(You never knew the Chennai corporation had a 99 year pact with the Venice city council)

16. As travel across the city, if you notice images of various sizes, in various shapes, of a fair and chubby woman with salt and pepper looks, dressed in colourful shawls, staring at you with a charismatic smile - then, welcome to Chennai. Come after five years, you would notice that the person in the pictures has changed - it is now, a bald old man sporting a big black sunglasses, that is the way things are here. Everything changes here for every five years. You are also bound to notice posters of others like 'Thalapathy', 'Captain' etc.

17. If your mechanic recommends you to go to "Puthupet" to buy genuine spare parts for your bike, car, auto or even your lorry. The Irony - You are asked to search for any lost/stolen bikes in the same area too. If you go to Richie street to buy genuine Chinese electronic gadgets, mobiles, computers and computer peripherals, or even to repair your old computer.If you have to raid 'Burma Bazaar' for all imported goods and foreign movies, or old Hollywood classics.

18. In month of December/January, you see non-stop classical musical concerts being held, all around the city. You are curious, and you ask your friends about it, and they tell you that the food at the concerts is extremely good but they have never been to a classical music concert. They frequent the food courts at the "Sabhas" though, they recommend you to watch any comic play of "Crazy Mohan" or "S.Ve.Sekhar"

19. As you drive across the city, you see Hindu priests with half shaven heads and ponytails, with either three horizontal lines of holy ash smeared across their foreheads, or with vertical tilaks on their foreheads,  zooming stylishly across in their bikes. You notice mobile jewellery shops disguised as women, dressed in heavy kanchipuram silk sarees with bundles of jasmine on their heads. The default dress code for all politicians you notice is white shirt and dhoti, with a white belt.

20.  People wake up at 4 am and take oil bath and burst crackers on Diwali - in contrast to the rest of India, where they start bursting crackers mostly after noon. When you go to watch a game of Cricket and observe that the crowds are highly knowledgeable, and though they are fanatic Indian supporters, they arise and give a standing ovation to a victorious visting team, even if that team happens to be Pakistan. Then have no doubts, you can only be at Chennai ! Almost everything at this city, you conclude is different from the other Indian metros.

This part concludes my small write-up about Chennai. 

A small dedication to Madras -  Lyrics from the song "Chennai City Gangsta" (Movie - Vanakkam Chennai) 

Ungaluku India Gateu

Engaluku LIC Weightu

Ungaluku Goa La Beach

Engaluku Marina Thaan Massu

Unga Ooru Chapaathi Kuruma

Enga Ooru Idly Pola Varuma

Naanga Chennai City Boysu

Chumma Gammunu Kedama

I Am A Chennai City Gangsta

I Am A Chennai City Gangsta

Ok Ok I Am A Madarasi

Dei Dillu Irunthaa Mothi Parra Paradesi

Unmaiyaana Natppuku Visuvaasi

Aana Prachana Pannaaka Penthidum Moga Raasi

Ithu Thaan Da Chennai Gethu

Natpu Thaan Enga Sothu

Kaigala Thooki Kathu

Ithu Chennai Da.. Chennai Da..

You know you are in Chennai when...

On the eve of Madras's 374th birthday, here is a satirical take on our city. Why let people (SRK, I am not talking about you or your stupid "Chennai Express" here) from other regions bash our city? Why not try to laugh at our own city ? Madras/Chennai, no offenses - I love you.

You know you are in Chennai when...

1. You experience only three distinct seasons. Everyone knows what they are, hence, let's not elaborate on that, and during the hottest-est season, you start sweating like a pig just after you get out from your bath and you feel like you have put your head into a burning oven.

2. You try to hire an auto and you come across the most friendliest species, that you would ever find across the globe - The Chennai Auto drivers, and they can come up with bizzarre reasons to justify their ridiculously high fares even you had wanted to go to the next street. The reasons might be like "Naan suthettu ponum" ( I need to take a diversion) or "Semma traffic saar", it could be "Vellavasi ellam yerichu"(prices have soared) or the reason could be "It's been raining" or it could even be "It's burning hot" ( And all along, you had thought you were living near the snow clad Himalayas). If you are wondering where the auto meters are, they are safe at the Chennai Museum.

3.Every person you come across is either a Rajini or a Kamal fan, or they are both. Talk ill about one of them, and even the neighbourhood granny is ready to thump you . According to folklore, Rajini means "Mass" and Kamal stands for "Class".  Period !

4. If you find a Sardharji conversing in flawless tamil with his customers and if you observe that every pawnbroker is a grim faced rajasthani, and every chai walla is a smiling chetta from Kerala, then you are definitely at Chennai.

5. You often hear words like mokkai, dupakur, bemani etc and you think they are certainly not Tamil, as you don't find them in your "Learn Tamil in 30 days" book nor in any other dictionary. You ought to have  googled "Madras Bashai"

6. You see temples all around. You find a Ganesha idol at every street corner and even at many offices, and petrol bunks and cinema theaters. You find many people worshiping the idols at the streets with undue sincerity and dedication, some even prostrate before these idols and do some "Sit-ups"

7.You find people addressing their uncles as "Mamas" and also the policemen. The policemen at Chennai , you observe are friendlier than the chennai auto drivers, you had got fined for wearing a sunglasses while driving on the road, and once you were fined as one of your rear view mirrors was titled at an angle of fourty five degrees, it ought to have been fourty degrees - the officer had shouted. Outrageous !

8. You try searching a house and the house owner wishes to know your family history, your food habits and probably your community too.You begin wondering, if he thought that you were seeking a girl in hand for marriage from his household. You ask your house agent if the owner would ask for the results of a complete medical checkup too.The first question put to you in most cases would be " Neenga Veg-a" ( Are you a vegetarian?) 

9. You tell people, that one of your cousins or some XYZ you know, had studied in IIT. Then, you get surprised at the respect, you are being accorded. In the rare case of you being an IIT alumnus, you get royal treatment and everybody looks at you with awe and respect. For once, you feel too proud for being a nerd.

10. After the day of Saraswathi pooja,  you find that most of the streets filled with smashed pumpkins. You find most places in your office smeared with sandalwood paste, you see that they have decided not to spare the lifts, and not even the desktops or laptops !

Being a hardcore Chennai-vasi (Dude from madras), I have learned to laugh along with my city and not to laugh at it. Despite all these shortcomings, you cannot help but love Madras. Nevertheless, it is one among the few great cities of India. Chennai has a very rich history and can boast of being the cultural capital of India.

I shall continue with the Part two of this article shortly. Cheers!

What is your ambition?

As you look down upon your past, your school life, there was always a question that teachers used to ask you every year - "What is your ambition ?"  Everyone would have had different ambitions, and they would have varied from time to time.My ambitions changed during my childhood with each year.I had wanted to be a traffic policeman during my kindergarden, then I wanted to be a dancer when I was in fourth grade, and when I was 10 years old, I had wanted to be a scientist and I was proud to answer the "ambition" question and went around saying that I would discover medicines to the most deadly diseases in the world.

As I marched into my late teenage years, my mind seemed blank, nor were the ambition questions popping up from the teachers or relatives.The questions that were posed to me was "CBSE or State board? , Science or commerce? " When I passed my twelfth standard, I realized that I had no particular ambition ! Though I wanted to enter into film making or acting, I had no guts to take up visual management, or some other film making courses. I did not want to take a risk. I had become a typical middle- class minded guy who flocks along with the herd of goats and grazes the "greener" fields. During my initial years of college - the words,Computer science and America went hand in hand, and my ambition was to study IT and go to the US, following the foot steps of my cousins who had supposedly gone to the best place on earth.

But the problem was quite simple- I had no interest in IT . Yet, I became a IT graduate overcoming all the odds which included loads of arrears that I had accumulated over the years. Luckily, I got a job through a campus interview in a software company even before I had got my degree. I had got it after some or little hardwork. I had not been eligible for some top companies, due to my history of arrears and it had hurt me enough, though not on a personal level but I feared the talks that a "jobless" naveen has to hear. The way it was hyped by people, it would seem like getting a job in a top company was like getting a first class ticket to heaven in the best airlines.

I am a successful(?) software engineer now, and my ambition is - well, I don't have one now and I don't have much interest in IT either. I am still young and I can give up the IT career to take up another alternate career but I lack the confidence in my skills and I simply,cannot afford to do it now. I am not alone, and there would be lakhs of such disinterested software engineers in our country. Just because a software engineer gets high bucks as an average starting salary, a career in IT should not be choosen or rather made to be chosen.

I don't have the answers, but I have the questions. The questions of a mind which has always been afraid of taking the plunge into the fields it had loved, and had became one among the huge cattle herd of software engineers.

N for Nirvana

The below lines are the famous dialogues from the movie "V for Vendetta"

In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin van-guarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it's my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V.

I wanted to write something similar with words starting with letter "N" and my version is right below and those words do exist as I had a dictionary while I wrote it.

The Natural Need is a Nascent Nuncius, now that the noble cause of nourishing the needy is nullified, as we live in midst of non-human, notorious and narcissistic people full of nefariousness, in a nulliverse of nupsons and negative energy and we can do nothing but nervously await with the notion of a new beginning and nirvana of all the nations. Noticeably, this needless narration of mine is nimius. So, let me add that it's my good honour to meet you and my name is Naveen and that means new,  but I can nuncupate that I am No Noah and you may call me N !

How was your Darshan?

As Wikipedia quotes - "This temple is the richest pilgrimage center, after the Sree Padmanabhaswamy Temple in Thiruvananthapuram, of any faith and the most-visited place of worship in the world.This temple is visited by about 50,000 to 100,000 pilgrims daily (30 to 40 million people annually on average), making it the most-visited holy place in the world". Everybody wants to go here, from Big B to Vijay Mallaya, who is reported to have flown all the aeroplanes that he buys to Tirumala, and performs some special poojas . There are various types of darshans provided at this temple, and I had read somewhere that the Tirumala trust is pondering over scrapping few variants of darshans, after numerous requests from the general public.

Some of the darshans offered by Tirumala :

Vaikuntam Queue Complex

Sarvadarsanam

Special Entry Darshan 

Sudarsanam Token System

Special Darshan for the Physically Disabled and the Aged
(Note : They had mentioned the word "Disabled" in their website)

Divya Darshan

Apart from the special darshan for the Physically challenged and the Aged, I don't see a reason for the other types of darshans .I have visited this temple only once, and that was way back in the year, 2001. The trip was supposed to be a one day affair, but as we were not able to get the darshan appointment on the same day, we had to wait for one more day. The scheduled darshan time for us was 4:30 am, and we had to spend a sleepless night as we had to go and wait in the queue at 3 am or earlier.As I waited along in the queue along with several thousands for a couple of hours, I grew increasingly restless. Then finally with "god's" grace, we were finally pushed into the main temple after a four hour wait, which seemed like eternity. I was able to see Mr.Venky at last, and my mother kept saying that there was a divine light that she could see in his eyes ! With priests shouting and waving us away with the all time popular "Jarugandi" lines, we spent a couple of seconds gazing at the idol and we were pushed off, into crowds. Finally, we were out of the temple and I breathed a sigh of relief. Some people who had come along with us, were elaborating that their darshan had been totally divine and that they had been so lucky to have a darshan on the 14th of April. I wondered what the big fuss was all about. 

Though I am non-religious and non-spiritual, I respect the principles of Hinduism. We seem to have misunderstood Hinduism, at the grass root levels. Hinduism was never a religion, it is a way of life. I don't want to challenge the beliefs of other religious people. I respect your beliefs and your faith, but why would you want to visit highly commercialized establishments that run in the name of "Temples"? They have made a mockery of Hinduism. I had a friend who visited Tirumala along with his family on a VIP darshan recently, and he told me that he had a great darshan and they were absolutely no queues. The concept of paid darshans is more prevalent in the south of our country. When I had been to popular temples in north India, the concept of paid darshans were not present. If you truly believe and if you have read the Hindu scriptures, never does it say that it is a must to visit temples. It also very clearly states that God is present everywhere, and not just at temples.There are countless number of temples which are older than Tirupathi, not only are they ancient, but they are architectural marvels. Then, why the craze for few temples, in particular? I had been to many old Shiva temples at kanchipuram, and I was shocked to find them sparsely crowded. The Nellai appar temple at my native place, tirunelveli is not very popular but the fact is that it is larger than the famed Madurai Meenakshi temple, and it's architecture is equally fascinating, complete with musical pillars. The Ajanta & the Elloras, the Thanjavur big temple are other classic examples. Our craze for some temples would never end, atleast the trust that controls Tirupati should seriously consider abolishing such ridiculous systems.It is really bad, when there is so much bias at such a popular religious destination. The rich and the famous can have the darshan hassle-free while the poor, the middle class and others suffer. Should we be atleast happy that the Indian government did not introduce a quota system for the Tirumala darshans?

Broken Bridge - A short story.

Raghav came rushing out from college with great excitement and ran across the road to his break time abode, his favourite petty shop. His friends,Akash and Rubin had been waiting for him for over a hour. Rubin yelled at raghav once he saw him  "enna macha,will ya pass?". "No way, the reason I took time to get out was because there was Sakshi sitting across to my desk, and I lost track of the time admiring her " replied Raghav. Akash quipped in by saying  " Yet another raghav love story,I wonder how long this would last !" . As they kept teasing, and taking digs at one another, Madhu made her way to the abode."Finally,the exams have got over and it is time to party and we have to party real hard this time.So guys,what's the plan - Shall we go to my house as my parents are out of town?" said Akash.

                               Raghav joked  " What would we do sitting at your house,you would probably show us another art movie from your totally weird collection of foreign language movies? I am not game for that and I have something else in my mind.There is this beach party happening in ECR and we could head there first and have a blast. So who is game for it? ". All of them rose their hands including Akash. "So shall I ask Tanya and Shiva to come to the resort directly or shall we pick them up?" asked Akash. Shiva and Tanya, studied at another college located in the central part of the city .All, six of them had studied  in the school and their bonding continued, even after they had entered college.They headed straight to the beach party, in Akash's car.The Party had just started, and the guys except Rubin started to booze , as Madhu stared at them.She took a sip from Akash's glass and remarked " how on earth do you drink that crap?" . Akash laughed and finished off what was left in his glass and jumped onto the dance floor as the DJ had put on his favourite song.By seven pm,their energy levels had dropped a bit and Raghav suggested that they could go on a drive to the beach.But Shiva and Tanya were yet to arrive and after several failed attempts to reach their mobile phones,madhu had literally given up.As they were pondering over the next step,Shiva and Tanya arrived at the scene."Sorry, there was some problem with my bike and it stopped midway and we kinda of skidded and fell on the road and I had to call in a mechanic and fix it and " said Shiva. Shiva and Tanya looked worn out and tired but both of them looked restless.Clad in a casual blue jean and black top,which had turned a bit brown on the sides due to the fall, Tanya requested for some water. Shiva made a quick trip to the bar inside and came out after five minutes. His eyes were bloodshot and his walk was unsteady. Shiva said “So where is the next stop ? I just refuelled my tank !”. Rubin replied “How about we going to the broken bridge? The place is a charm in the nights and with weather like this, it would be simply awesome” Akash was not taken in, and replied  “ That place is not safe even in the evenings, it is a crazy idea to go that sick place in the night, and the weather is not encouraging too !” It had rained heavily in the morning, and it had been quite windy in the evening, with signs of an impending downpour. The others were smitten with the idea of going to the broken bridge and persuaded akash. They managed to convince akash and it was  decided that Shiva would leave his bike and the resort and all six of them would travel in the car.

Raghav was looking out of the window as they passed by the beautiful Elliots beach, it was around 9 pm now and the crowds had dwindled. Rubin raced the car across the houses on the left as they entered the bumpy roads in the path to the broken bridge. The road leading to the bridge was always in a bad shape.  There was a strong breeze coming from the beach on the right side and to their left, there was the famous theosophical society – spread over many acres and full of greenery, it was a complete contrast to the concrete jungle outside. It had been raining cats and dogs in the morning and the sands were still wet. There were few curious looks from the fishermen as people don’t go to the bridge in the nights due to security reasons as there are absolutely no lights and even if you screamed from there,nobody could hear. A fisherman stopped them as they took a turn and screamed, “dei, niruthu,eppo poga kodathu !” .Rubin knew what exactly had to be done and stopped the car immediately and got down from the car .Raghav and Shiva followed suit.

Akash and the girls remained in the car and they watched the proceedings through the mirror in the front. The guys were trying to convince the fisherman and let them go to the bridge, but he was in no mood to relent and he seemed  quite furious. Madhu said, “why do we have to go to this place in the night, can’t we go somewhere else?” . “It would be so much fun out there with this sorta of weather, the perfect place on a night like this” said Tanya. They continued staring at the mirror and saw Rubin take out his purse and hand over few notes to the fisherman and he left the scene quite content. The guys came back to the car and got in. “ Money did the talking” exclaimed Rubin. “But I really don’t like the idea of going to the bridge, especially after what we heard from that creepy guy just now” Raghav said. “What did he say” enquired madhu. “Usual horror stories, it seems that there had been two murders in this area before three months and he claims that the dead had been haunting them recently.To hell with these dumb stories – let’s not waste time !” said shiva as he signaled Rubin to start the car. Madhu’s face turned pale , she had always been afraid of the places like these and the very idea of going to this bridge had given her the creeps and the recent developments had spooked her enough. “ I don’t want to go this place, please turn the car and lets go home” screamed Madhu.Tanya put her hand around her shoulders and this seemed to give her some sense of security .Akash said, “What do you think is going to happen ?, my dear. I could see logic if you had said that the fear is because of thugs or rowdies. We are going to go there and have a blast now”. Shiva, Tanya and others somehow managed to convince madhu to go to the bridge. Slowly the car made its way to the bridge. It was a wonderful sight ,with crescent shaped moon at the far end of the sky and the strong breeze and the sound of the waves adding to the charm of this place . The gang got down from the car and made its way into the bridge. They went to the end of the broken bridge and settled there with their bottles. Akash quietly poured some alchol in the madhu’s cup which had been half filled with pepsi. And madhu took the glass near her mouth, akash forced the glass near her mouth and made her gulp some. She started shouting and started hitting akash, and he stood up and started running along the bridge yelling, “ I made you booze, ha ha !”. Nobody was sober now except for madhu and tanya. Shiva refused to drink after coming to the bridge, as he had said that the shots, he had consumed back at the resort, had made him quite dizzy. There were sitting at the edge of the bridge, the river on their left and the ocean on their right. There were high tides today, and they could hear the sound of some big waves as it crashed on to land. Madhu’s phone rang and she signaled everyone to be quiet and she picked up the call. Others knew that it was her dad because the ringtone  “Call 911…” seemed to have conveyed the message. Her father wanted her to come home soon as her mother was having a bad bout of food poisoning , and he needed some help. Madhu yelled “ I am just near to Tanya’s house,pa. I shall come over in twenty minutes” and disconnected the call.” Rubin asked “ Should you really go?”. “ I don’t have a choice,dear. Now, who would be the lucky person to drop me home?” said Madhu. Shiva volunteered to take up the job. “Drop her soon and get back. Why don’t you buy some food while you get back. I am famished !” exclaimed raghav. Shiva gave a friendly pat on his huge belly and said “You do seem famished, I swear that it was much bigger last week ! Just text me the list and I shall get it”. Shiva and Madhu started off from the bridge. Akash looked on, as their figures disappeared into the darkness after they had got down from the bridge. They could hear the engine starting, and the headlights zoomed on their faces just before the car sped away. As they started on their short journey through the battered roads, Shiva remarked “we seem to be low on fuel, we would have to refuel at the nearest bunk”. Madhu nodded in agreement. The Elliots beach was about two kms from the broken brigde and there were no proper roads for about one km and then there were small fishing colonies before you could come to the main road that leads to the elliots beach. They were nearing the fishermen’s colony, when there was a loud ‘swish’ sound and shiva stopped the car and got down to check the tyres “ ****** the back tyre got gone flat.” Shiva proceeded to open the boot to check for the spare tyre and yelled out to madhu “ You stay inside, I would fix this in few minutes”

Rubin looked around and there was nobody in sight. Despite repeated attempts, he was not able to awake akash. He was sure that he had heard some strange noise from underneath the bridge. He suddenly saw a pale figure running on the shores with probably, what was a stick in its hands. He wondered who it could be, the noise from underneath the bridge was increasing, something came running on to the bridge. Rubin ran forward with fear. He looked on, what looked like a street dog. The dog looked normal except for the fact that blood was dripping from its mouth. Rubin could feel the pounding of his heart