On the eve of Madras's 374th birthday, here is a satirical take on our city. Why let people (SRK, I am not talking about you or your stupid "Chennai Express" here) from other regions bash our city? Why not try to laugh at our own city ? Madras/Chennai, no offenses - I love you.
You know you are in Chennai when...
1. You experience only three distinct seasons. Everyone knows what they are, hence, let's not elaborate on that, and during the hottest-est season, you start sweating like a pig just after you get out from your bath and you feel like you have put your head into a burning oven.
2. You try to hire an auto and you come across the most friendliest species, that you would ever find across the globe - The Chennai Auto drivers, and they can come up with bizzarre reasons to justify their ridiculously high fares even you had wanted to go to the next street. The reasons might be like "Naan suthettu ponum" ( I need to take a diversion) or "Semma traffic saar", it could be "Vellavasi ellam yerichu"(prices have soared) or the reason could be "It's been raining" or it could even be "It's burning hot" ( And all along, you had thought you were living near the snow clad Himalayas). If you are wondering where the auto meters are, they are safe at the Chennai Museum.
3.Every person you come across is either a Rajini or a Kamal fan, or they are both. Talk ill about one of them, and even the neighbourhood granny is ready to thump you . According to folklore, Rajini means "Mass" and Kamal stands for "Class". Period !
4. If you find a Sardharji conversing in flawless tamil with his customers and if you observe that every pawnbroker is a grim faced rajasthani, and every chai walla is a smiling chetta from Kerala, then you are definitely at Chennai.
5. You often hear words like mokkai, dupakur, bemani etc and you think they are certainly not Tamil, as you don't find them in your "Learn Tamil in 30 days" book nor in any other dictionary. You ought to have googled "Madras Bashai"
6. You see temples all around. You find a Ganesha idol at every street corner and even at many offices, and petrol bunks and cinema theaters. You find many people worshiping the idols at the streets with undue sincerity and dedication, some even prostrate before these idols and do some "Sit-ups"
7.You find people addressing their uncles as "Mamas" and also the policemen. The policemen at Chennai , you observe are friendlier than the chennai auto drivers, you had got fined for wearing a sunglasses while driving on the road, and once you were fined as one of your rear view mirrors was titled at an angle of fourty five degrees, it ought to have been fourty degrees - the officer had shouted. Outrageous !
8. You try searching a house and the house owner wishes to know your family history, your food habits and probably your community too.You begin wondering, if he thought that you were seeking a girl in hand for marriage from his household. You ask your house agent if the owner would ask for the results of a complete medical checkup too.The first question put to you in most cases would be " Neenga Veg-a" ( Are you a vegetarian?)
9. You tell people, that one of your cousins or some XYZ you know, had studied in IIT. Then, you get surprised at the respect, you are being accorded. In the rare case of you being an IIT alumnus, you get royal treatment and everybody looks at you with awe and respect. For once, you feel too proud for being a nerd.
10. After the day of Saraswathi pooja, you find that most of the streets filled with smashed pumpkins. You find most places in your office smeared with sandalwood paste, you see that they have decided not to spare the lifts, and not even the desktops or laptops !
Being a hardcore Chennai-vasi (Dude from madras), I have learned to laugh along with my city and not to laugh at it. Despite all these shortcomings, you cannot help but love Madras. Nevertheless, it is one among the few great cities of India. Chennai has a very rich history and can boast of being the cultural capital of India.
I shall continue with the Part two of this article shortly. Cheers!
